500 things Ace can not do on the Moby Dick
by TheBlackSpirit
Summary: I do not own the list, all rights go back to the talented author elvenarchress. I only own the little shots that go along with the rules. the original name of the fanfiction with the list is Second Division Prohibitions, it is highly worth checking out. Read and review!
1. rules 1 and 2

**Things Portgas D Ace may not do on the Moby Dick.**

_**I may not fall asleep on purpose if I think the meeting is boring and claim it was a narcolepsy attack.**_

He was so bored. So incredibly bored, he was wishing for a narcoleptic fit, but Ace knew for fact he was god's very own comic relief act. He mentally referred to himself as the walking punch line. _ I wonder… everyone here knows I'm subject to random sleep attacks so… why not?_ A victorious smile came to his lips, and in an instant Ace dropped his head on the table and started to "snore". That was one way to avoid a meeting.

_**I may not do so 'accidentally' either.**_

It wasn't his fault this time! For real! He hadn't fallen asleep face first in the middle of Marco's arguments on purpose! Why didn't anyone believe him? On second thought, maybe he had used the "N.F" excuse once too often.

_Yeah, it's very short. Deal with it. There will be around five hundred of these little guys, and I got permission from the creator of the list to do this. Yes, I actually asked. If you want to read the entire list, the fan fiction's name is Second division Prohibitions. Worth reading, and totally hilarious. I'm just using the rules to make little anecdotes, I own none of this. _


	2. rules 3 and 4

**500 things Ace can not do on board the Moby Dick**_  
_**Chapter 2.**

_**3. Narcolepsy is not contagious. I must stop telling people it is. **_

The whitebeard pirates were all about family, but even that had limits at times. Which is why Ace was currently sitting alone in his corner in the galley, everyone else just staring at him in fright.

Ace was coughing loudly, so loudly in fact that everyone decided to stay away. That is until Marco came along and asked what was up with him, to which Ace seriously replied he had Narcolepsy and it was 'highly contagious.' Marco just rolled his eyes and ignored the black haired eighteen year Old's dramatic coughs.

_**4. Nor may I threaten to 'infect them'.**_

That would be when Ace decided to 'infect' Marco. Or at least, he tried. It would have gone better had a nurse not shown up and waved a bottle of their nasty cough syrup in Ace's face. To this Ace _squealed_ in fright and ran off, completely healthy once more. To almost everyone's disbelief and or amusement, the nurse chased him down.

Needless to say, Ace wouldn't be doing that again!

_AN: I just wanted to say thank you to the lovely reviewers for last chapter, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Also, I just checked the reading stats and holy crap! They're over the roof! I never get that many readers! Thanks again to all of you! That's about it for now._

_Until next time, _

_**TheBlackSpirit**_


	3. rules 5 and 6

**500 things Ace cannot do on board the Moby Dick**

**Chapter three**

_**5. I may not go up to other crewmembers, wink and say "mine's bigger." Even if I'm referring to my tattoo.**_

When Marco had woken up that morning, he'd walked to the galley as usual, what wasn't so normal was the blushes covering all of his brothers' faces, minus Ace who was grinning widely. The blonde didn't understand exactly why until said freckled teen waltzed up to him and suggestively said 'Mine's bigger.' After looking at Marco's chest. At this, the blonde's usually straight face fell.

'Actually, Oyaji's is the biggest'

_**6. Nor may I do so especially if I'm **_**not**_**referring to my tattoo.**_

Later that same day, Ace walked up to Marco and stated, 'you know, I didn't mean the tattoo.' Marco blushed profusely and hid in his quarters for the next day and a half at what he implied accidently. Where was the mental eye bleach when you needed it?

_AN: oh look, that one is even shorter! But hey this is number two today. Anyhow, I'm looking forward to your thoughts!_

_Until next time,_

_**TheBlackSpirit**_


	4. rules 7 and 8

**500 things Ace cannot do on board the Moby Dick.**

**Chapter four**

_**7. I may not tell Thatch that there's a spider on him just to see him flail.**_

Most of the time, Ace thought Marco was a great guy. But man did his rants go on forever! Bla bla bla, lying isn't nice… bla bla bla, it isn't cool to pick on Thatch because of what he fears… bla bla bla… and it went on. Ace sighed deeply and nodded at Marco, saying dejectedly that he wouldn't do it again and that he was sorry.

Once the Blonde was satisfied, he left. Ace stood still for a moment before an evil smirk came to his lips. He had never specified exactly _what_ he wouldn't do again.

_**8. Nor may I put the spider there in the first place.**_

Ace was back in slot one, Marco's ranting. This time though, Ace had a come back 'I said I wouldn't lie again and, by the way, I didn't!' at this Marco face planted. The stupidity of this teenager was mind boggling.

Later that night, the few people on deck could hear Marco's dejected sobs coming through their captain's door. Without questioning it, everyone pinned the fault on Ace.

_Holly hell, what is it with you people? Don't you have school or something? (Like I have room to talk! I'm in class) but really, that many views in that little time, that has to be a record! Thanks though, I appreciate it!_


	5. rules 9 to 13

**500 things Ace cannot do on board the Moby Dick**

**Chapter five**

_**9. I may not 'borrow' all of Thatch's combs and use them to build a bonfire.**_

"Hey Thatch! Can I borrow all fifty of your combs just a sec?" Ace asked. Thatch, who by the way, had just woken up replied without a thought, "Sure, why not?" to this, Ace grinned mischievously and set off with the wooden combs.

It was only when Thatch smelled the smoke that he noticed his mistake.

_**10. Nor may I wake up early and draw an ugly mustache and beard on the bathroom mirror.**_

Waking up to a shrill screech wasn't something Marco enjoyed, but Thatch bursting into his room and jumping into his bed while crying was even worse.

"ACE!" was what the rest of the crew woke up to that morning.

_**11. I may not hide baby birds in his hair.**_

Thatch was running back and forth on the main deck, yelling his lungs out. On the side, Ace laughed his lungs out. From Thatch's hair you could hear melodious chirping. Suddenly the pompadour man yelled even louder.

"IT JUST LAYED AN EGG!"

_**12. I may not tie all his ascots together for a magic trick. Especially when that trick involves setting stuff on fire.**_

"So, Thatch why're you shirtless?" Haruta asked.

"Ask. _Him_." Thatch replied angrily pointing at a giggling Ace.

_**13. I may not 'sample' his products and turn my hair into a spiky helmet.**_

_**14. Nor may I try to impale people on my new do.**_

_AN: so yep, I left the last two blank. I have no idea what to do with those for now, but I'll get back to them. Anyhow, I hope you all enjoyed it and I will take this opportunity to remind you I deeply enjoy feedback. So please, review! _

_Until next time,_

_**TheBlackSpirit**_


	6. rules 15 to 18

**500 things Ace cannot do on the Moby Dick**

**Chapter 6.**

_**15. I may not use Izou's lipstick then complain that 'it's not my shade'.**_

"Gimme." Ace stated snatching lipstick from a now gapping Izou. Without further ado, the younger put it on. When he was done, he looked into a mirror and sighed.

"It isn't my shade." At those words, Marco face planted. Decidedly, that red mark was here to stay.

_**16. Nor may I use it to draw on the deck like a three-year-old.**_

Marco had been sleeping well for once. A good night's sleep hadn't happened to him since the day Ace had decided to take Whitebeard's head, but it was very quiet that morning. Maybe a little too quiet. With a sigh, Marco reluctantly left his bed and made way to check what Ace was up to. Everything was okay, until the phoenix got to the deck where he saw the weirdest doodles drawn out of… was that _Lipstick_? The clear culprit was Ace, asleep surrounded by tubes of said facial makeup. Marco's brow ticked before he gave a resigned sigh and went back to his room to sleep. _Izou is going to be furious._

_**17. Nor may I cover myself with his face powder and pretend to be a ghost.**_

"BOO!" Ace yelled from behind Thatch who gave an unmanly shriek and jumped ounto Marco.

The latter just sighed.

_**18. Actually I must stay away from all beauty products.**_

Ace's bounty had gone up _again._ Why? Destroying a cosmetics store. Marco wasn't even going to ask about the story behind that one.

_AN Chapter six is done! Thoughts? Comments? Insults? Death threats? Go ahead! I want to hear them!_

_Until next time,_

_**The**__**BlackSpirit**_


	7. rules 19 and 20

**500 things Ace cannot do on board the Moby Dick**

**Chapter 7**

_**9. I may not tell the nurses that pop's IV has been replaced with sake. Especially if it's true.**_

"Hey, did you guys know pop's IV was replaced with Sake? Thatch told me." Ace stated and zoomed off, leaving three furious nurses behind.

A few seconds of quiet and then…

"_NEWGATE!_" was heard throughout the ship. Needless to say, they were not happy.

_**20. The proper response to being summoned is, "you wanted to see me pop?" not "You can't prove a thing!"**_

Ace had been summoned, so being a 'good' pirate he went to pop's room, as he had been asked. As the fire man opened the door he promptly stated " You can't prove a thing!" that's when Marco spoke up and said, "Ace, what did you do? This is a commander's meeting."

Ace smirked evilly and said, "Nothing, nothing at all."

For the rest of the week the entirety of the Whitebeard pirates was paranoid at what goodie they'd find from their newest commander. The latter hadn't lied for once. There really was nothing… except maybe the empty storage room.

_AN: Thoughts? By the way happy April fool's. I don't really enjoy this day but hey, if you do, I am not judging._


	8. rules 21 to 34

**500 things Ace cannot do on board the Moby Dick**

**Chapter eight**

_**21. I may not check Marco's bed for eggs. I must remember that he is male and therefore cannot lay eggs.**_

Marco awoke to the sound of his door creaking open. He looked a t the time before groaning.

"Thatch for fuck's sake it's three in the god damn morning. Go back to sleep. I don't care if you had a nightmare. Go sleep with pops dammit." Marco growled as a figure neared his bed. The blonde buried his head in his pillow tiredly.

"It isn't Thatch." The figure, no, Ace replied.

"The hell Ace? You of all people know what it feels like to miss out on sleep! Get out!" Marco spat. The fire man ignored him completely and started searching through Marco's sheets._ The fuck is he doing?_

"Ace. What are you doing?" Marco questioned.

"Oh, don't mind me… I'm looking for eggs." The freckled man replied.

"WHAT?! GET OUT YOU DAMN BRAT!" Marco yelled, finally having had enough.

_**22. I may not tell others that the sound coming from his beak is a mating call.**_

"So, Marco, I guess you're pretty lonely huh?" A crew mate teased. The commander's brow twitched.

"What would give you that idea?" the phoenix asked.

"That sound from your beak _is_ a mating call, right?" The crew mate asked. Marco clenched his fists.

"ACE!?" Marco yelled once again.

_**23. I may not give other bird zoans, like that falcon guy in Arabasta, Marco's den den mushi number.**_

The Den den mushi hadn't stopped ring ing all day and Marco was sick and tired of it. _The next time I see Ace, I'm gutting him._ He thought to himself as he answered yet another call.

_**24. I may not dress up a pineapple and claim to have found Marco's twin brother.**_

_**25. I may not hide Marco in a pineapple plantation for fun.**_

_**26. Nor may I offer Jozu as the prize.**_

_**27. I may not put a sign on the crow's nest that reads, "Marco's roosting spot".**_

_**28. I may not loudly accuse Marco of being a cannibal when we're having chicken for lunch.**_

"You _monster_!" Ace loudly stated while staring right at Marco's plate, they were having Chicken Catciatore for lunch that day.

Marco just rolled his eyes and proceeded to eat.

"Cannibal!" Ace yelled and stormed off.

_Idiots will be idiots. _Marco thought.

_**29. Nor may I do so at any time regarding any type of fowl.**_

Ace was still glaring at Marco, sure the Pheonix was eating duck but _come on_.

"Ace, for the last time. I am a _Pheonix._ Not your every day_ bird_!"

_**30. Nor may I accuse him of eating 'babies' when he has an omelet for breakfast.**_

"The eggs never hatched. They are unborn any way, idiot."

_**31. Just because I can touch him in phoenix form does not give me the right to ride him.**_

_**32. Nor may I pluck him.**_

_**33. I may not start an argument that just because his flame is blue while mine is orange doesn't make him hotter than me.**_

"Hey Marco! You aren't hotter than me!" Ace yelled.

"Actually, he is. His flames are blue, it is a warmer fire than yours Ace." Thatch explained.

"Yeah, well he isn't better looking!" Ace snapped.

_**34. Nor may I take my clothes off to prove it.**_

"See!?" Ace said as he stripped. Marco on his side just face palmed.

_Okay so as you guys may have noticed there are many non-written ones in this chapter. Some of them are self-explanatory though. Others I just couldn't work with. Sorry. _

_Also sorry for the wait for this chapter, I had a really busy weekend and my all day horseback riding lessons have begun once again. That means I have less time to work on fanfiction until November. I am sore as hell because of the classes as well, but hey, I'll live. I've gone through it for the past seven ish years so this one shouldn't be that big of a problem either. _

_Anyhow, I am looking forward to know what you guys think. _

_Until next time,_

_**TheBlackSpirit**_


	9. rules 35 to 37

**500 things Ace cannot do on board the Moby Dick**

**Chapter nine**

_**35. I may not tell Curiel that I admire his guns in a suggestive way ever again.**_

"This has to stop." Izou stated as he watched Curiel curl up into a ball and start rocking back and forth nervously. Marco could only nod as he heard Ace's mad cackle.

"Anny idea what the freckled menace did this time?" Marco asked cautiously. He regretted it when he noticed Izou's disgusted face.

"He told Curiel that he liked his guns. _Really suggestively._" Izou answered. Marco paled.

"Oh. _Oh my god._ What is _wrong_ with that brat?"

_**36. I may not play connect-the-freckles. Especially with the freckles under my clothes.**_

Things were finally looking up, it seemed Ace hadn't done anything too stupid this morning. Or that's what Marco believed until he walked onto the deck only to see Ace without his pants on with a… was that a _Sharpie_?

_**37. Nor may I ask others if they want to play.**_

"Morning Marco! Wanna play connect the freckles with me?" Ace asked straight to the point. _Does he mean… Oh god. Oh god no!_ Marco thought before turning on his heal and walking straight back to his room. The thoughts that plagued him for the next few hours would have made Sigmund Freud blush.

_AN: how was that? Good, bad, just plain horrible? Tell me will you? Also thanks to all the reviewers for last chapter! I truly appreciate it! Please tell me what you think. _

_Also, if you guys draw any fan art please send me a link so I can enjoy it. _

_Until next time,_

_**TheBlackSpirit**_


	10. rules 38 to 42

**500 things Ace cannot do on board the Moby Dick**

**Chapter ten**

_**38. I am not allowed to tell people that Vista's mustache is evil.**_

_**39. Or that it's trying to take over the world.**_

_**40. I may not threaten to wax it if it won't give up its secrets.**_

_**41. I may not put rabbits in his hat either.**_

_**42. Nor may I refer to Mihawk as his other sword.**_

_AN: As you may have noticed, this one is kind of… blank. Yeah, about that? This one just isn't working out for me right now. I have no ideas related to this what so ever. If you guys are feeling inspired for these, I am begging you to help me out! _

_Anyhow, number eleven should be better and up soon. As for number twelve…. That one I'm enjoying __**very**__ much. You'll see why when it's on line!_

_I'll post again in a few minutes,_

_**TheBlackSpirit**_


	11. rules 43 to 46

**500 things Ace cannot do on board the Moby Dick**

**Chapter eleven**

_**43. I may not offer to polish Jozu.**_

"Ace, can you help me out with- What in the name of the celestial dragons are you doing?" Thatch asked.

"I'm going to polish Jozu!" Ace replied gleefully._ He's going to…. What? _

"Ah ha, does he know?" Thatch asked, slightly worried.

"Nope. Why?" Ace asked clueless. That time, it was Thatch's turn to face plant.

_**44. I may not sell him to a jewelry store.**_

Ace was sitting in a bar all the while wisteling gleefully, surrounded by around forty plates. The food was still coming and Ace wasn't even near finished yet. A few hours later, Marco waltzed in.

"Hey Ace! Have you seen Jozu? He was supposed to switch in with Thatch on Ship watch two hours ago!" Marco said, straight to the point. Ace shook his head. "You sure?" Marco asked.

"Yep." Ace replied, going back to his fiftieth plate.

"By the way how did you get so much money? Last I heard you were broke." Marco stated.

"Diamonds are a large supply in demand." Ace replied automatically.

"You didn't…. No way. Ace? You didn't sell Jozu did you?!" Marco growled as he watched Ace Pale almost humorously. The freckled man then stuffed the reminder of his food into his mouth and ran. _And man could the kid run._

_**45. I may not ask him 'what a girl wants' on the basis that he's 'a girl's best friend'.**_

"Hey Jozu" Ace said.

"Yeah? What do you want now?" Jozu replied.

"What do girls want?" The fire man asked.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?!" Jozu snapped back.

"Well, you are a girls best friend right? Since your diamond and all." Ace explained. Jozu just sighed.

_**46. I am not allowed to stare at Jozu for hours on end because 'he's shiny'.**_

"What?!" Jozu asked.

"Huh?" Ace replied

"You've been staring at me for five hours, what do you want?!" Jozu growled.

"Oh nothing... I just never realised how shiny you are!" Ace exclaimed joyfully, and went back to staring.

_AN: See, I told you it would be better! So that's it for chapter eleven. Toughts? _

_See you soon!_


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